You’re not “too much”
An unexpected lesson in just how far I’ve come.
As someone who has always been told she is "too much" all her life, when I was met with the same comment today from someone I love dearly, my response surprised me.
Normally I would have edited myself, watered myself down, adapted my behaviour to make "them" feel more comfortable, but today I didn't. I actually recognised how much it hurt me, I left the room and I cried. Not because I feel embarrassed or ashamed of who I am but because it suddenly occurred to me that all of the versions of myself over the years that I had lost have returned. I was crying in relief because I am now strong enough to accept that not everyone is meant to understand me, even those I thought were supposed to. In years gone by it would have eaten away at me until that part of me had been deemed "too much" wasn't part of me at all anymore, but today I welcomed the feeling of realising for the first time in my life I don't need anyone elses validation.
It started at a young age, probably age five? Well that is my first memory of it anyway. First I was "too fat", then I was "too talkative", then I was "too skinny", then I was "too quiet", then I was "too emotional", then I was "too closed off". You see the pattern? Whatever I was "too much" of became the opposite of who I made myself, and this was all from people who were supposed to love me unconditionally. I learnt from a young age that I had to change myself depending on my environment and the company I was in, to remain small enough to not be "too much" of anything, but in doing this I also started to believe by being too much of one thing I was not enough of another.
It made me realise how tiring it had been going through life trying to be someone I wasn’t, how lonely it was. It's not the same as being alone, and ironically it's when I've been completely alone that I've been able to do the deep, uncomfortable work that has allowed me to understand myself better, open myself up and build new relationships with people who appreciate me for me.
I am so grateful to be in the place I am where I can recognise a trigger and work through it rather than let it strip me of my self worth. The truth is when you learn to accept yourself and begin living in alignment the right people, connections and opportunities find you and anything misaligned falls away.
What's helped me along the way?
Journalling - brain dumps and guided journaling sessions.
Purpose - finding my calling (which ironically became apparent through a lot of journaling), not doing what I thought people expected of me, but truly uncovering where my passion lies and following that path.
Stop Forcing - stopping to try and be palatable to everyone and anyone, no one respects you for it. Just be you and let the chips fall as they may.
Spirituality - feeling connected to a power greater than myself has helped me put things into perspective and has given me faith to surrender control to.
Astrology - when you understand your birth chart and how everything is connected and made of the same energy, every part of you that once felt like a flaw becomes something that was quite literally written in the stars.
The true tests don't come when life's plain sailing, they come when you're presented with triggers and you find yourself responding instead of reacting, recognising instead of ignoring, and staying true to yourself when your nervous system is crying out for you to do what your younger self did to feel safe.
Avaia, the moment you left the room and cried in relief gives this piece its power: the pain did not send you back into self-editing; it showed you how many lost versions had returned. The childhood sequence of being too fat, too talkative, too skinny, too quiet, too emotional, and too closed off makes clear how impossible the assignment was, since every correction trained you to abandon another part of yourself. I appreciate how you name the trigger as evidence of growth, with your nervous system asking for an old safety strategy while your present self chooses recognition, alignment, and self-trust. Grateful for the honesty in this reflection and for giving language to the moment when “too much” finally stops becoming a reason to disappear.
Lots to relate to here Beckie. Sometimes I wonder if these people that say these things to us at a very young age have any idea about the kind of damage they do. I can still recall exact moments in which my parents said something hurtful, even back to when I was a child. They probably don't even remember.
Thank you for sharing!